Hurt
by MissAmyR92
Summary: Chrissie reflects on losing her Mum. The song featured is 'Hurt' by Christina Aguilera.


**Hurt**

**Chrissie reflects on her relationship with her mother. Set after Tricia's death (December 2006). The song is Hurt by Christina Aguilera. Please review, Amy x**

**Seems like it was yesterday that I saw your face,**

**You told me how proud you were but I walked away.**

**If only I knew what I know today.**

Why does fate always deal us a bad hand? And when we eventually climb back up to the top, it knocks us back down again. Things were just getting back on track and we were all happy, the way a family should be. Life was going just fine for me, for Mum, and for Dad. Our family had had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster; wherever we went, drama seemed to follow. But for once, we were showing a united front. There were no arguments, no disagreements. A rarity for the Williams', I must say.

**I would hold you in my arms**

**I would take the pain away**

**Thank you for all you've done**

**Forgive all your mistakes**

**There's nothing I wouldn't do to hear your voice again**

**Sometimes I want to call you, but I know you won't be there**

If there's one lesson I've learnt in life, it's that there's no such thing as a happy ending. I thought I'd finally found a happy ending, with Owen. I loved him, I truly did. I dreamt up a beautiful future for us, only to have my world come crashing at my feet. Yes, it was partly my fault I admit, but I still believed I could make things work, make our marriage work. I'd heard stories about him, his reputation wasn't exactly whiter than white I know, but neither was mine. I'd read a story once, about two shipwrecked souls that met and found happiness together, and I guess I just believed that myself and Owen were like them. I told myself I could stay faithful to him, I'm not sure I believed it myself. I didn't completely guarantee on him staying faithful either but I figured that if I had already strayed therefore he had the right to. I didn't account for him sleeping with my mother though – the betrayal to beat all betrayals.

**I'm sorry for blaming you**

**For everything I just couldn't do**

**And I've hurt myself**

**By hating you**

Me and mum had fallen out before, all mothers and daughters fall out. But this time really took the biscuit. She'd been sleeping with my husband, her own son in law, right under my nose. How could I have been so stupid not to have noticed that something was a little odd? I thought I hated her back then, I didn't really though. I was just so angry. I could never have hated her, not my own mother, even though I told her repeatedly that I did. I wish I could turn back time, save my marriage and tell mum that it wasn't her fault. Our marriage was falling to pieces anyway, I guess the affair put the final nail into the coffin of our relationship. It helped me open my eyes to what my husband was really like, I loved him, of course I did, but he wasn't what I wanted him to be. I pushed him into settling down and as a result, he played away. It takes two to tango I know, but I don't blame mum. In a way, I'm sort of glad that it happened as I would have been stuck in that marriage, seeking a way out, and I wouldn't have known what Owen was really like. I'm sorry I blamed you, Mum. I just wish I could tell you how sorry I am. But it's too late now.

**Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit**

**Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss**

**And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this**

Why didn't you tell me you had cancer Mum? Maybe I could have been there for you, given you all the love and support you needed, been a better daughter for you. I was such a bad daughter; I was selfish, heartless, immature. I've grown up now Mum, I'm developing into a better person. Or at least I'm trying my best to. I just wish you could see that, Mum.

And why didn't you listen to me when I said that Carlos was a rat? I know you were blinded by love but I always knew he wasn't right for you. But you just wouldn't accept my help. I could have paid for your reconstruction, I really wanted to. I wanted it to be a gesture of my forgiveness for not realising sooner that something was seriously wrong. I wanted it to be a token of my love for you, to show you how sorry I was for letting you down when you needed me most. I just wanted to be there for you Mum, for the first time in my life I was putting someone else before myself, but you just wouldn't listen. Maybe things could have turned out differently if you had.

So many questions I have, it's just so sad that you'll never be able to answer them, to put my aching mind at rest.

**Would you tell me I was wrong?**

**Would you help me understand?**

**Are you looking down upon me?**

**Are you proud of who I am?**

I have so many memories of us, Mum. Me, you, Dad. I idolised you, I looked up at you and I wanted to be you. You were a great Mum to me. I remember you reading me a bedtime story every night, when dad wasn't there. Every evening was our own. No matter how much work you had to do, you'd always make the time to sit down with me and ask me how my day was, help me with my homework, listen to me going on about some boy I liked. You never judged me, never got annoyed with me, you just listened patiently and gave me wonderful advice. You really couldn't have been a better mother to me, thank you. You knew I wanted to be a nurse and you supported me every step of the way. You never failed to support me, no matter what decision I made. And if I ever made a wrong move, I could rely on you to catch me when I fell. You always told me I was your special girl and that you were proud of me. I hope you're still proud of me Mum.

**There's nothing I wouldn't do**

**To have just one more chance**

**To look into your eyes**

**And see you looking back**

Then I grew up. I thought I knew best, thought I didn't need you any more. How wrong I was. I made so many mistakes, got myself into terrible situations but I still wouldn't admit to you that I needed your help. When I had a stressful day of training, I just wanted a hug from you. I'm sorry I never had the chance to tell you this. I really regret not letting you know how I felt back then. I have so many regrets, so many regrets. I needed you back then, and part of me hopes that you needed me too. I'm sorry I'll never get the chance to find out.

**I'm sorry for blaming you**

**For everything I just couldn't do.**

**And I've hurt myself**

**By hating you. **

I was so scared of losing you for good to that awful disease, cancer. I deal with cancer patients on a regular basis but once you've gone home at the end of your shift, you forget about them. You have to, you have to detach yourself from the job. You never imagine seeing someone you love go through such a terrifying, painful ordeal. You taught me how to cope with the idea that you wouldn't be around for much longer. You were so strong, speaking to me as if you were talking about something so trivial. You're such an inspiration, Mum. A true angel.

**If I had just one more day,**

**I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away.**

**Oh it's dangerous,**

**And so out of line to try and turn back time.**

You and Dad getting back together was beautiful. After all that time, you managed to settle your differences and things were back to the way they were when I was younger. You could just tell how much you loved each other by the way you looked at each other. He'd call me up to tell me about some wonderful plan he had for you, such as when he booked a New York taxi for you. I honestly thought he was joking! It just proved how much he adored you, practically worshipped the ground you walked on. And it was beautiful to watch your love for each other grow. In a way, I was a little jealous. I wanted someone who loved me as much as Dad loved you.

**I'm sorry for blaming you**

**For everything I just couldn't do.**

**And I've hurt myself**

I'm so sorry things turned out the way they did. Maybe if I hadn't called you at that time, the accident wouldn't have happened. I blame myself for it, of course I do. I feel so bad that maybe it was my phone call that took your life. Just one stupid mistake stole your life away from you. I'm so sorry Mum, I just hope you can forgive me as I couldn't bear it if you hadn't.

**By hating you.**

I love you Mum.

**Let me know what you think!**


End file.
